Love and Sacrifice: The Key to Parenthood

Parenthood is made up of sacrifices. Love and sacrifice go hand in hand. My mother has shown that throughout my life, especially since my incarceration. I recall when I was first incarcerated, my mother — who already worked five days a week — added a shift to pay for phone calls and help me buy commissary. However, that was just the beginning. I only had enough money to pay for half of my attorney fees, so my mother took money from her annuity to pay the remainder.

It took me a long time to accept that her sacrifices were a gift of love. I was not happy that my mother felt she had to sacrifice so much for me, and I tried to hide my need, but the concealment only made the problem worse.

One day, in 2016, I was speaking to a friend who asked if I had funds for commissary. I told her “no.”

The word got back to my mother. At 2:30 a.m., when she got in her car to drive to her shift at the U.S. Postal Service, she looked at her cellphone and saw a message from my friend saying I didn’t have any money on my books. My mother worried all morning about me.

When I called the next day to see how she was doing, my mother spoke to me with anger and anxiety; I could hear the pain in her voice. As an adult, I had never heard her speak to me like this, so I listened closely.

She asked why I didn’t let her know I didn’t have any money on my books. I responded, “I never let you know when I don’t have money unless you ask. You know I don’t like bothering you or having you worry about me.”

“Seeing a message at 2:30 a.m. that you’re in need — that worries me,” she said. “Don’t ever do that again. When you were home, you made sure all your siblings were OK. It’s time for us to make sure you are OK.” I felt like a little boy again. My mother’s love changed my heart and way of thinking because I never want her to worry.

Her actions taught me a lesson about being a father. Being a parent takes true sacrifice. You have to be willing to put your children first. Many of your plans have to be put on hold to attend to your children’s needs. And if you are not able to provide for their needs, make them aware of your attempts and the barriers you face.

Many times, as parents, we want to make the biggest impact, and we overlook the power of small sacrifices. In the beginning years of my incarceration, money was scarce, as we were paying attorney fees, so I would save snacks from my lunch tray and mail them home in a manila envelope to my children. I’d write letters and send my favorite poem, “Hey Black Child.” All these small sacrifices told them I love them.

Yet I wasn’t able to make the most important sacrifice of all: sacrificing my desire to make them happy by telling them the truth. I would speak to my children on the telephone, and I can still hear those little voices saying, “Daddy, when are you coming home?” I would say, “I am coming home soon.” This is where I failed, because they took my word as truth.

We must have ongoing conversations with our children, no matter their ages, explaining all the possibilities, including the possibility of being wrongfully convicted and incarcerated for a long period of time. A parent needs to sacrifice their own selfish desire to make their children happy in order to achieve long-term understanding. Otherwise, your actions can unintentionally lead your children to be bitter and mistrustful. This is one of the reasons I believe my son and I have an estranged relationship today. You always want your children to know that despite absence and distance, you love them, will never abandon them, and will try your best to be available when they need you. And even though you are incarcerated, they will need you.

In 2017, I received a call to attend the counselor’s office. The counselor and I would always joke with one another, but that day, when I walked into his office, he had a serious look on his face and said, “Young man, have a seat.” After questioning me about the last time I spoke to my mother or sisters, he said that two women were killed the night before in the Washington Park area in Chicago. My heart started pounding and I was puzzled, wondering: Who are these ladies? He told me to hold on; he was calling my daughter.

As soon as she answered, she said, “Daddy, they killed my mother last night. I need you, Daddy.” What do you say, what do you do? The only thing I could think of was what my mother showed and taught me: love and sacrifice. I told her how much I love her and that I am fighting to get home to her. She said, “Daddy, I feel alone,” and I reminded her that I will always be there for her until I get home.

My parents have been great supporters of my children, and I make it my business to call my children on a regular basis just to actively listen. In true parent fashion, no matter how I am struggling emotionally, I have to sacrifice my feelings in order to elevate my children’s well-being and quality of life.

Sacrifice goes hand in hand with love when it comes to our children. My parents continue to exemplify this behavior, and the fruit does not fall far from the tree. I will continue to sacrifice for my children, who are truly the apples of my eye.