A Long Road Back

As the restorative justice fellow for fall quarter 2024, I was asked by my friend and colleague Abdul-Malik Muhammad to write an article for the RJ column of the Northwestern Insider. Our focus is on parenting using RJ principles and values.

As a parent the hardest thing I ever had to do was admit to my only daughter that I am, in fact, guilty of the murder that sent me to Death Row over three decades ago.

At the time, I'd not heard of RJ, nor did I have a working knowledge of RJ principles, but what I did know was that our relationship would never be healthy or authentic as long as she was operating from the false premise of my innocence.

I also recognized that the first step in repairing the harm I’d caused my victim was that I take full, unequivocal responsibility for my actions.

My first few conversations with my daughter did not go well. There was anger, a sense of betrayal, horror at what I'd done to another human being, not to mention the fact that the victim was also a woman, just like my own daughter!

In that moment of coming clean, I lost decades of trust, my image as a loving father tarnished by the knowledge that I could commit such a violent act. How could the man she loved and idolized be a murderer? And since I lied about that, what else had I lied about? Returning myself to right relationship with my daughter was a long and arduous undertaking, and it has taken over a decade for me to regain her trust, faith, respect, and admiration.

Where we are today is the result of countless hours of open, authentic, and honest discourse. I had to humbly take her opinion, questions, and doubts and respond to them without recrimination or defensiveness.

For her part, my daughter had to openly listen, reserve judgment, and empathetically receive my truth.

There were times when we’d exchange barbed emails, or stare icily at one another during a visit. In fact, there were months where we would not communicate or visit at all, because the wounds of betrayal, lies, and distrust would not allow us to “see” one another with loving clarity.

Still, we persevered; we held onto the hope of retrieving the father-daughter bond that my lies had destroyed.

By God’s grace and the expansiveness of my daughter’s heart, we are close again, not like we were before, but miles away from the estrangement that once felt like an unbridgeable chasm between us.

I hope my story inspires, and encourages other parents, incarcerated or not, to begin the restorative process of reconciling with their beloved children.